(By Dr Crank Feign etc.)
Football is a game or mild kind of a war invented for the entertainment of the spectators and to give the players an opportunity to knock one another, about, without the usual aftermath of appearing before the "beak".
Football consists of a given number, of men split into two teams chasing a bag of wind in an endeavour to get it between clothes props stuck in the ground. There are three different games of football, one is murder, known as Rugby; the second is manslaughter, known as Australian Football and the third is just common assault, known as Soccer.
The opposing sides distinguish themselves one from the other by wearing different colors. The Umpire or Referee dresses in white to save himself being knocked about through being taken for a player.
This umpire carries a whistle, which he blows or should blow, when he awards or should award a free kick to a player. Umpires are utilized to save players and spectators alike from abusing each other. They can save it all up for the umpire, and hurl abuse at him from a safe distance. He is a Dr. Jekyll and Mr Hyde character, being one second a good fellow and the next moment a down right robber.
Standing between the clothes, props at each end of the field of battle, we find two more officials, they are called flag waggers, and their duty is to do the best they can for their own side, if they are impartial officials it takes a lot of interest out of the game.
A white line is drawn round, the oval. This is to enable the goats, which are employed to keep the grass clown, to see the boundary of their field of operation. This line is also to tell the players when they must cease fighting. Should they fight beyond this white line they are then liable to be charged with assault. Two men run along this line in short trousers. Their duty is to lose as much breath as possible in an endeavour to get a good look at the game. Occasionally they assist the umpire , by signalling him that the bag of wind has crossed the line.
There are two kinds of free kicks, those awarded by the umpire and those given by the players.
At the conclusion of the game the Ambulance leaves the ground with the injured players to the cheering of the opposing side.