Playing long balls into empty space since 2012.

Wednesday, 4 June 2014

The 2014 AFL season: a Guide

Bob J. Penny recently sent us this piece. Now I'm not a big footy fan but this seemed so hilarious that I just had to publish it. Be interested in your responses.
You won’t believe what I got accused of the other day. Some reprobate suggested that I was one of those people. You know. The people who only care about AFL once a year.

What a disgusting accusation. I mean, sure I’m excited about the Phoody Phinals that’ll be starting in cloudy Melbourne (or as the locals don’t call it, “Mexico”) in September, but it’s not true that I only get interested in “the footification game” when the World Series play-offs are on.

In fact, I follow the sport passionately all year, every year. I am a particularly fanatical supporter of our local team, the Greater Wandering Giants (or as we traditional hardcore fans know them, the “grey and faded oranges”) and I have a deep familiarity with all the major footifiers on the VFL roster.

Smithy, Johnno, Billy, Shane, Johnno and Scotty. I am a walking encyclopaedia on every one of them, and I resent any implication that I am not. The truth is that I am pretty much the epitome of what Wikipedia is talking about when it says “the game is played on an oval field”.

In fact, it is to prove that I am no footifying dilettante that I am penning this article to give some of my considered thoughts on the likely outcomes and implications of the upcoming footy Bowl. If nothing else it should be an education for those of you who are not au fait with the game they play in Mexico.

First of all: can the Midgets win? I say yes. I say this not just because westie bogans have a lot more guts than latte-sipping Melbournians, who make up 90 per cent of the other teams involved in the tourney, but also because our coach Scotty Smith-Johnson has put together a squad full of men who can kick the ball incredibly hard.

Footy neophytes may not realise this, but the most important thing in footy is to kick the ball as hard as you can, to penetrate “the goals”, a technical term for the four sticks at each end of the field.

As my old footy teacher used to say, “a kick in the head never hurt anyone”, and I think it’s probably true. Never hurt me. The Giants’ team has a lot of extremely hard kickers, like Smithy and Scotty. It’ll be difficult for the defenders of traditionally less robust clubs like North Mexico and Western Mexico to withstand the force of these men’s feet.

Another thing in the Graters’ favour is the rule change, which will come into force next week and which no-one will understand, especially the umpires. I think it’ll be pretty difficult for defences to hold out the Gwestes’ attack using only their tiny latte hearts or their boofy bogan brains.

Then there is the coach himself: in contrast to previous supremo Johnno, Scotty is a canny operator who is well-known around the country for his tactical brilliance.

His adoption of the lethal ‘crane stance’ will serve the team well in Melbourne. Reports from training camp indicate that Scotty has also been putting a lot of emphasis on slowing down the play the ball, and this should provide plenty of opportunities for the Gigantor footifiers to implement their structures at the stoppage.

Of course, Gigantic premiership is far from a fait acccompli: there are other strong contenders from the title, such as the home team itself, the Demonised Melbourne Amateurs.

They are always a threat with their skilful basketball midfield and frequent stupidity. Their neighbours Collingwood will also be hard to beat due to their talented array of bogans and toothless.

And then of course there is the Cold Ghost Suns, which with a rapidly growing Mexican emigre class is set to become the next century’s footynomic powerhouse, wielding significant influence over the national political landscape, including footy.

But perhaps the biggest wildcard in this extremely wild pack is Port Adelaide Magpowers, which has a tradition of great footering stretching back through Smithy, Scotty, Johnno, and Smithy, and will be sure to be on a full-bogan in tribute to the spirit of racism that runs through the code.

So that’s phoody for you. It won’t be easy for the Enormities to win this one, but I think we can be pretty confident that as long as they all stay fit and healthy, keep a steady line and length, and kick the ball as hard as possible, come that one day in September skipper Johnny ‘Johnno’ Johnstone-Johnson will once again hold the ‘Auld Mug’ high above his head on the Victoria Park terraces.

But more importantly than that, even after the World Series is over, we diehard fans of the Sport of Kings will go on cheering week in, week out.

Good luck Gigantic Graters of Sydney!

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